The Only time when success comes before work is in the DICTIONARY

i know....

I know the day will come

When my sight of this world shall be lost.

Life will take its leave in silence,

Drawing the last curtain before my eyes.

Yet stars will still shine at night,

And mornings rise as before,

And hours will still heave like sea waves,

Casting up pleasures and pains.

When i think of this end of my moments

The barrier of the moment breaks,

And i see by the light of death

Your world with its careless treasures.

Rare is its meanest lives,

Rare is its lowliest seat.

Things that i longed for in vain,

And things that i got - let them pass.

Let me but truly possess

The things that i ever spurned and overlooked.

- Rabindranath Tagore

listen.......... i just TAGGED u!!!

Wanna know one of the best parts about blogging???? its the tag part........ just write some crap n u could get off the hook by making others pour out theirs about the same topic in their blogs..... does that sound interesting enough??? YES??? then happy reading n dont forget that U r tagged now!!! hey n if u r shaking ur head left to right having a smug smile on ur face saying "NOPE.... i find it highly boring...." i can understand...... boredom is a symptom of wierdity.... :P

ok fine....... enough of the intro n let us get down to business..... so this TAG is gonna be all about the MOST embarrassing moment in ur life.... so here we go....

It was early feb and the weather was warm and pleasent.... The day began with a light shower from the skies and alls fine.... The day in college was smooth and not everyone were exactly in the mood for one more day of college.... we just wanted to bunk in at home.... but anywayz the day went on placid n i woke up with a start when i heard a loud ring far away...... yes, it was the bell for break..... 'management' was the last hour before break n no wonder i had slopped down on my chair for a peaceful, dreamless sleep....

In college we always used to have a string of announcements right before we broke for lunch.... It used to be about all the club meetings n events n mostly everything that was happening n things that were yet to happen in college.....

*TING TONG* "Good afternoon. Students who belong to the fine arts club are kindly requested to assemble outside the CC block for an important meeting. The volunteers from NSS have come out with beautiful hand made products. Please have a look at them in the NCC ground. All commerce students who had participated in the republic day function are kindly requested to assemble outside the B block for a meting. We are proud to (blah blah n more blah) Have a nice day ........" *TING TONG*

The announcements were going on n on the last anouncement caught my ears coz i had participated in one of the musical shows in the republic day..... It was impossible to have a relaxed lunch with my friends coz that would be cutting it too fine to make it on time for the meeting.... The good part was, a few of my other friends also had to go for the same meeting for various other reasons..... so we just took our lunch boxes in hand n went to the B block.

We had to wait in a huge class room with big, beautiful french windows all around the room n a very high ceiling. It was the oldest building in the college which was built somewhere before 100 years. The meeting was to appreciate us about our hard work for the success of the function n we were given a small pouch full of goodies by our HOD....our break time was also over by the time we could get over with our meetings.... We just dragged our legs to our own block coz we knew we could afford to go a few minutes late for class....

By the time we walked in to the class, our HOD was saying something to the class..... I was actually kind of shocked to find out that this was some extraordinary occassion where she had just graced our classroom for a visit n that too reached it before we did.

We excused ourselves n got inside the classroom when she just stopped us half way through n demanded where we went before we entered the class room.... I found it highly inconceivable to be put forth to such a question coz i was sure she knew where we came from. So i obviously told her we just finished the meeting for the republic day. But all through the conversation i had this long ovel '0' on my face.... but anywayz she let us go back to our seats....

When i enquired i found out that one of our classmates' mobile phone had been stolen during the break.... it was apalling to hear that they thought the thief was from our class..... So after a long lecture in vain to find out the thief, they decided to search all our bags n pocket before we left our class.... we used to sit somewhere near the last row so our turn was at the end.... we were standing in a que n atlast my turn came....

OMG.... what all came out from my bag..... mostly all 'kuppai' n other than that a few M&B books..... so while i was just looking at all the contents scattered out of my bag i felt something crawling on my head.... when i turned back i realised that one of my teachers were actually checking my hair coz they thought it was so dense n curly that it could be a good hide out to keep stolen things...... :((((((((((( waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa........ when some girls realised what was going on, all of us had a good laugh!!!!

P.S: The next yr one of my juniors enquired to me whether there was any girl in our college who hid some kind of a photo in her hair n got caught!!! That was one time i didnt know whether to laugh or cry! :((

So time for personal tagging, i Tag pundit, abhay, saint, dileep n G3

happy tagging :)

A hint of PURITY

"No, I cannot understand what you are saying. I don't know what these words mean. I don't know your language. I want you to understand mine. Don't open and close your lips; just extend your hand and hold mine. Please! I will give you a chocolate that I hid in my pocket two weeks back - but just hold me. Can i listen to your heartbeat? It makes me feel secure. Just hold me close to your heart so I can feel warm and comfortable. I will learn my ABC later; I promise I will. But can you just touch me right now? I will learn my 123; I know I will. But if you just let me feel your warmth right now, I will be able to dream of a pink coloured teddy.'

I was in a room full of abandoned children between the ages of 2 and 5. Silently, through their eyes, they told me this. Eyes speak volumes and those expressions touched my heart.

With all the love, warmth and touch I have experienced in my growing years, I still have my insecurities, my moments of unbearable lonliness, which goes only when I hug someone I love. What must these kids be feeling??? My childhood is filled with moments of me dancing in my father's oversized shoes and him hugging me with enormous pride.... with memories of amma holding my hand and taking me to the school and to nearby shops.... with images of myself and my elder brother being partners in crime and he literally pouncing on my mother so he could hug me... My childhood was filled with touch. It was filled with someone lovingly caressing me curls. It was filled with listening to old melodies and the steady, stable heartbeat of people who love me. What about these kids????

Once for my brother's birthday, we had to go to one of these places which was an old class room for several of these kids. Slinging my jute bag over my shoulder, wearing my favourite purple shirt, I confidently walked inside the calssroom with with my bro, my parents and a tremendous love for children. The class was so quiet that i actually was wondering whether they were kids or something else.... We intutively knew they were forced to sit this way since we went to visit them. So my dad kindly asked the teachers to go out of the class room for sometime so that we could spend some solid time with the kids. After the doors were closed there was an eerie silence in the room for the kids were confused about what to do with us in the room.... but after a few minutes the fun started....n Did i just say the word 'confidence'? About 30 two feeters were running helter-skelter.... a girl was wailing loudly in the corner; one boy gave another a slap; and right in the middle, two girls were fighting for a battered soft toy and a few came running to eye us curiously.....

It was actually kind of shocking to see the transition in a few minutes. So i made an attempt to get back those angels that were sitting inside the class by trying to get them sing along with me.... but realised that i was the only one singing - the rest were either screeching or looking at me, hands on their little waists and faces marked with indignant indifference. I even tried dancing, but all the little ones started jumping and running around me; so, I sat down. A little boy called Adit created a great commotion. He kept hitting just about anyone who came anywhere close to him. And like a synchronised orchestra, a loud wail emerged from one corner, then from another and then all together. I wanted to tell each one of them that i loved them. I wanted to calm them and make them feel special, but didnt know how. What to do, what to do? When confused, go back to your basics - this is what i believe. Si i made them all hold each other's hands and do 'ringaaaaaa ringaaaaaaa roses'... I realised that when they were touching each other, they were somwhow much calmer. I knew then that i love them - I would have to show them. At the moment, they didnt need inputs - they just needed someone to hold them close.

I started with Adit. I asked one of the teachers about his violent behaviour n she told me that he had recently lost his mother and was very traumatised. I, who find it painful to see my mother cough, could understand what the little one must be feeling. He was walking towards all of us, ready to pelt somone with a toy car. I caught hold of him, kept away the toy car and just made him sit on my lap; I then placed his head close to my heart. There was a little resistance initially, but when i continued to hold him he put his tiny arms around my neck; ten minutes later, he was fast asleep. Iam finding myself short of words to describe that moment.... It was so beautiful and so profound... One cannot be told; one must experience what it is to hold a sleeping child who trustingly, happily, puts his head to ur heart and frolics in his dream world.

A ruffle of hair here, a nudge of the hand there, a pat on the back and a tickle in the stomach was all that i was doing that day.... after some half an hour all those little ones were hanging around me, fighting to sit on my lap, playing with my hair, touching the little flower on my watch.

I pray with all my heart that all these little angels of blessings should not be abandoned any more and even if they do, they should find a better place to live in......

YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.........
Atlast my brother's marriage is over..... That was like one of the major things in the whole of the family that had been looked fwd to with great excitement.... great expectations by everyone... ppl have been saving up special dresses, special presents, special everything for this.... everyone has been just waiting...

My sister in law is just amazing n am so happy that she is a part of the family now.... though they made sure that i did most of the work during the marriage, it was absolute fun to act all important n busy :P.... n the best part is, everyone was happy after the marriage got over n the whole place was full of smiles n laughter...

the small reception after everything got over was like super good... it was just for family n close friends n it was so good to make everyone go on stage n perform something or the other like singing, dancing, dialogues, jokes... anything!! n thanks to my dad for that idea.......

i thank god that everything went on very well n everyone was happy n content at the end of the day.... it feels good to have all the blessings from everyone in the family at the end of the day.... i guess i have to thank all my relatives n friends for making it so special n my dad the most for making it happen....

n the one interesting line that ive been hearing for sometime now is "r u happy that ur line is cleared?"..... makes me wonder..... really!!!

I am, Therefore I Think - 1

"I am". What does it mean????

We use these words constantly in our lives… Like “How r u?” “I am fine” or maybe “I am upset”… we say “I am going here or there” or “I am doing this or that”. The “I am” is normally used as an introduction to what is really important…. It could either be the emotion that we r feeling, the thing we r doin or the place we r going to. But there is an experience that can be had; a space that could be beyond the egocentric viewpoints n judgments…a space of just I AM…. It is this I am that Descartes reached after his lifetime of brilliant study, research n search for the truth, when he wrote “I think, therefore I am”

Sometimes when I think… I find myself shying myself from moving into the awareness of I am. It somehow makes me get into a familiar bondage where it always makes me think that I know who n what I am, simply by asserting a verb or adjective after the I am. Nevertheless, just bcoz something feels good or comfortable DOES NOT MEAN that it is true or even something that is good for us.

Clearly, I guess this comfort just builds a false shield around us…. Something that makes us feel safe n secured. But I guess it is so important to grow out of that bubble… n it is damn painful. Ive had so many experiences like this where ive actually felt so out of place when I thought I knew something…… but at the end I didn’t know that much afterall… growth is painful where it gives a moment of pain n discomfort as our worldview stretches n our concepts r shattered.

Mostly it feels soooo comfortable to stay inside the egocentric circle of thought in an “ignorance-is-bliss” way… but eventually life teaches the reality at one point or the other where we start realizing the ways in which we were wrong, limited n close minded about life. But this most probably than not, comes as a shock where it is either a difficult situation or after the attainment of a long wished for dream which, having been attained, is quickly revealed to be empty of the joy n fulfillment we expected. If nothing else, I think this shift often comes at the moment of death, when we realize that practically nothing…. NOTHING we put our life energy through out our life time…. The worldly success, the reputation, the material possessions.... anything…. r not worth even a grain of salt, in the face of a larger reality that extends beyond the threshold of death. Talk about bursting of a bubble… Just imagine how many millions of ppl throughout the centuries have gone through their lives putting off all their life energy into satisfying petty desires... if only we could get it now n live the rest of our lives from that awareness…

STOP for a moment

Imagine the building u r sitting in just collapsed on u. SMASH!!! If u r outside, u better pretend as if u r in a building.

U r suddenly trapped under many layers of debris… u don’t know what happened… was it a bomb?? Or an earthquake??? u lie pinned under the fallen building in a state of confusion. U smell fire.. u r injured but in shock, so the pain has not yet reached the awareness…

Smoke fills the room…

Ur precious oxygen is not there for u.

Ur body begins to perform its preprogrammed maneuvers for life preservation. U begin to gasp… rather ur body gasps for u as u observe, helplessly. Ur lungs open further n further to try to take in any particles of oxygen that might be available, but mostly fills the starved air sacs…

The blood tries to continue its work, but without oxygen from the lungs, everything in the body begins to break down.

But u….

U just watch….

U become a witness to the event, perhaps even lifting in ur subtle astral body above the physical body to view the scene. U realize u have stepped out of the body as u might disrobe at the end of a long night of dancing….. this body that u thought was U… lying there helpless on the ground without u. REALITY HITS…

I guess the most shocking part of the experience wouldn’t have been the experience that u r not the body, but that u were not aware of this fact throughout ur life… U- the u that u r right now – know this as the obvious truth.. we all have known this before as well… but how do we manage to forget this again n again is the $1000000000000 question… at that moment u understand this n so much more, so much more about life, knowledge u now realize that uve always had.

u feel as though uve woken up from a dream filled with delusion n misunderstandings. “How could I have forgotten again?” u cry, not outloud, but with ur entire being. U don’t know whether to laugh or cry. U look down at ur body n see it lying there unconscious. U have a certain tenderness towards it.. no longer an attachment of thinking it is u, but just a recognition of the heart that one might have upon seeing an old childhood house or a favorite toy of the past.

Now put urself into this space n look back on ur life. Look at all the things that were bothering u this morning or this week, this month, this yr… look at ur current list of priorities from the vantagepoint og ur last moment of life… ur work.. ur lovelife… ur money…. Ur dog… all of these things that have so much importance to u. where do they fit in now????

An unforgettable experience...

The incident that am about to narrate now was one of the most terrifying incidents that ive come across in my life... I'am really lucky that am alive to even type this post... It changed my perspective about life that things need not be the same even the next second... anything could happen... ANYTHING.

I was in my 7th std at that point of time. I can still vividly remember everything that happened that day... Our school had planned to take the 6th, 7th and the 8th std students to the local children's park. We started to plan out literally a fortnight before the trip... the topics of discussion before, during and after school were necessarily about that trip...

Thank fully,the day was bright and pleasant and the weather was just ideal for an outing. So the whole of our gang were packed with all kinds of guddies from ice creams (yes! we took ice creams in our water coolers), chocolates, pastries, chips, lunch n just everything. Our teachers had an impression that we were famished for the whole of the previous month.

We couldnt shut our mouth all the way from our school to the park. We were either yakking, munching or singing. It was just absolute bliss to have an opinion about everything that was happening around and it necessarily had to be stupid and funny and not to forget the non stop giggles. Maybe if i had known what i wouldve had to face after a couple of hours from that time, i wouldnt have even thought about opening my mouth for my life time... but the energy and the excitement level inside the bus was just crackling... Whew!!! The teacher incharge did have a tough time copping with us.

We got down the bus and we just drew a bee line to the play area (warming up session)... after we got over with the play area, we unconsciously divided ourselves into small groups and started re-discovering the park again. the children's park in the city was and is owned by the govt n so it was obviously quite huge compared to all the other usual parks in the city... So we started walking through the endless roads all around the park...

All of a sudden i spotted a nice, white fluffy rabbit just around the corner. It looked soooo adorable that somehow i started following it all alone with a 5 star bar in my hand... But obviously the rabbit was much faster than me and I had to stop to catch my breath... But something made the hair on my neck tingle and rise and i turned back...

To my horror, I was standing FACE TO FACE with a LION!!!!! It was an utter shock and everything stopped around me... guess rather inside me.... I knew it was foolishness to even make the slightest movement and i was obviously not strong enough to face even a german shepherd puppy... I knew with my first glance that the lion was definitely old and hungry... yes... it was HUNGRY... I could sense it with the way the lion was looking at me... I guess even the lion wanted to be careful not to miss out on the prey coz it didnt seem to make a move either... both of us were weighing each other... i dont even remember for how many seconds this battle was going on but i definitely felt as if i spent hours together looking at the lion...

I bloody well knew i had to make a decision now or never coz it was getting late... As i was trying to make a decision something touched my shoulders... THAT WAS IT.... i SCREAMED OUT IN HORROR and turned back to find that my teacher was holding me... I could see that even she was scared from the sight of the lion... I could sense it from the way she was holding me...

At that moment i somehow felt tired... physically, emotionally, mentally.... i couldnt bare it anymore... i could even say that i was getting bored... i guess even the lion sensed my weakness... but well.... i really didnt know what else to do.

So i just had to go to the next cage to look at the tiger... :P

Mobile, bile, ile, le, e...... gone

am in a terrible mood now n thanks a ton for the way this wonderful day turned out to be. loads of interesting things happened....

1. my day began with a small donation to a so called "deaf n dumb", which cost me somewhere around a 25 k worth mobile phone... but guess i was forced to donate here (it was stolen)

2. in a way am happy that, if he had really been in such a sticky situation, the phone mightve really helped him solve some of his problems... though its ME in shit now... guess that is life after all...

3. learnt quite an expensive lesson about being careful with my things.

4. i never knew i could get this attached to a non-living thing.

5. am just scared about the future coz i somehow cant believe what would happen to me if something happens to ppl whom i really care about... it hurts to even think about it... it REALLY HURTS...

6. i dont wanna be down for something which cannot be changed... which is quite trivial compared to things that r more vital when it comes to the game of life....

7. i just wanna lean on someone... not for losing my cell phone neither for anything else... just feel like it.

8. sometimes it is boring to be strong n ever optimistic... n its worse to be a pessimist...

9. surprised that someone actually managed to make my day today... thanks!!!


EDIT: Am in my usual high again... atlast i learnt the depth of Thomas Alwa Edison's story... guess could gift the "deaf n dumb" guy another 5000 for that... that was one amazing lesson.
AS ALWAYS........ Excited to be alive :)

College days... PART 1

i was just wondering what to write... coz at the moment things r neither too interesting nor too bad to write about.... *n i HATE bland*.... thats a totally different issue....

But life in college was totally different. The 3 yrs were just solid fun at the least... though we used to crib about how college was sooooooo boring day in day out, all of us had our best moments there....

we were a huge group n there were smaller groups inside that.... it was literally like a combined family... each of them had their own small haven inside the group.... but we were the most noiseiest group around... if it was a free hour then all of us used to sit together under a tree which was called "the NCC tree" chit chat to glory.... about what all happened in the classes.... the scores, projects, gossip,food, guys, usual scoldings, punishments, family, love life, cell phones, messages, jokes, other friends, latest trends, clothes, accessories, more gossip, more food, n more fun .......

But the time during which we had maximum fun was during our class hours... n plz dont mistake that we enjoyed our lessons or our teachers were the incarnation of angels... We just had fun in passing chits around n having our interesting textual discussions...

but compared to the other yrs in college... we had the maximum fun in our final yr... thats bcoz everyone in our gang always had an expectation about the tete-a-tete's between myself and the one n only teacher who actually had something against me the whole of our final yr.... i dont know whether she loathed me for my guts or whatever... but in her books, everything that "I" did was more or less offensive or defensive.

So here goes one of those amusing conversations that i had with her. For safety sake (obviously hers') we'll name her C.

This happened during the last few months in coll and most of our classes were either free or cancelled. It was somewhere after a few days i came back from a trip to Kuwait for a show n i hit on one of the best cargos that ive laid my eyes on out there... i was all excited about it n i decided to wear it to coll... but it so happened that i had to wear a reasonably short top which would any day pass the moral stds of urban india n heck, even my coll..... but as usual Ms. Frowny had a problem about it....

C: *calling out my name*.... come and meet me in the staff room IMMEDITELY *gives me the evil grin*
Me :Yes Ma'am... (aha... iva sirikkire vidhame seri illaye.... nichayamaa konjarthukku koopidalai.... kozhandhe...looks like todays' kottaa is also over... but i dont remember doing anything today... heck, that shouldve been her problem....)
Friend: WOW..... thank god... i thought the day was gonna get over with no spice... Kalakku maa...
Me: Ya right....
So puncturing my brain with all kinds of thought processing about how she is gonna catch me this time i walked down the corridor... (oh shit!!!! how did she know that i bunked her class???? che che... no way.... she wouldnt have had a clue... ille did i screw up my internals???? yup.... but bloody she is not gonna be THAT pathetic.... ya some kind of project that she didnt like... or..... or..... )
I was just holding my breath to face the battle.... to sheild n block myself from her on slaughts... n i knew i wasnt carrying any kind of weapon what so ever....
C: *Gives me the STARE* *Frowns* *Looks a lil bit scary*
(Cmon jan... u can do it.... but what the hell is she upto this time.... oh shit.... am a gonner today... HOD kitte pogaame irundhaa seri...)
What kind of clothing have u worn to college today???
Me: *Looks down at myself.... Looks at C.... Gives a Grin* oh..... These r cargos Ma'am (Jan akka.... maatine ippo.... yaen avalukku idhu cargos nu theriyaadhaa??? nee solli dhaan theriyanumaa??? goodvaanjeri types maari treat panriye di avale.... vaaya vachindu summa irukke mudiyaadhu unnaale.... u r gonna get screwed trying to act tooo smart )
C: *A lil bit shocked....* *Double Frown*
Ofcourse i know that.... DO-U-HAVE-ANY-IDEA-HOW-IT-LOOKS???
Me: Err.... Yes Ma'am.... It has loads of pockets everywhere and....errr..... its quite... hmmm... loose fitting???!!!.... (nee gaali.... unna ippo yaaravadhu "definition of cargo pants" nu question kaetaangalaa??? y the hell cant u just say something that makes more sense n get off this shit babe??? )
C: *Gives me another stare* OK FINE... I know what Cargo pants are n i also VERY WELL know how they look.... but Janani... being a senior i guess u should try to set an example to ur juniors...(Cargo pantskkulaan setting exampleaa?? ive yenode adhigamaa olarraale....)
Me: But Ma'am..... i dont find anything wrong in wearing a pair of cargos.... (What kind of a mokke discussion is happening here??? collegele vela ille naa naandhaanaa kedaichen... )
C: Listen.... i dont wanna waste my time with u on such trivial issues... (ME wastin UR time??? four much )... i-am-not-going-to-see-u-wearing-such-attire-anywhere-anytime-inside-the-college
UNDERSTOOD???? U can leave now....
Me: Thank u Ma'am.... (Thank u vaa??? u better escape when u get the chance ma.. )

My friend

I had a friend.... she was my best friend from the time i was born. she knew everything about me... she was young.... confident.... matured.... carefree.... fun loving.... clear.... dedicated.... she was just everything that i wanted her to be. she was everything POSITIVE.

But somewhere in the journey of life i missed out on her. i lost contacts with her.... i couldnt talk much to her.... i dont know whether there were other friends who had come to replace her or whether i didnt appreciate her as much as i should have. she left me. she didnt create a rucus, nor did she fight with me. she just LEFT ME...

I missed her n i missed her terribly. but it was too late.... i was angry that she didnt even bother about me, i was pissed off bcoz she didnt even bother to tell me.... but nothing made a difference. SHE WAS NOT THERE. As time went by i learnt to live without her.... it was difficult ya... but still.... life went on with no zest n no fun....

But one of these days she just came back as abruptly as she left. she had changed n i could sense it.... everything about her was radient... she was glowing.... she was colourful.... she was a butterfly..... she was with me.... or rather... she was WITHIN ME all the while in a cocoon...

n then i knew i found MYSELF again.....

Things about me that am not proud of at all...

ok fine..... i guess its high time i start writing up something about myself. what better way than to start putting up the things that i HATE about myself....

1. i think too much. far too much than the normal teenage human brain is supposed to think (n am not teenage anymore...)

2. i dont know how to lie convincingly. my face expressions always gets me caught red handed.

3. i either care too much or care a damn. the word mediocre is not in my vocab.

4. i love postponing things.

5. iam a perfectionist n i dont know where to stop.

6. i keep forgetting things.

7. am a chocolate freak. gimme anything made outta chocolate and id do anything for u.

8. i put on weight if i stop working out.

9. sometimes i have this huge EGO problem.

10. i cannot take things for granted.

11. iam sometimes pathetic in conveying what i really have in mind. PATHETIC

12. i get lost in my own thoughts in a fraction of a secound.

13. am scared of cockroches.

14. My patience level is ZILCH or........ somewhere in the decimals. i cannot tolerate non sense from both myself n others.

15. am highly short tempered.

16. am confusing. no one (including myself) can predict me at any point of time. am SWEET n SOUR.

17. i know i dont know ANYTHING but still i think i know everything...

18. i talk too much. period.

ok fine... am surprised that i actually managed to come up with so many NEGATIVE points about myself. not bad.... guess this was some self- realisation session.

Attitude

For some time i couldnt help but wonder what a good attitude is. Is it all about the way we carry ourselves? or is it the way in which we think? or is it something that relate to the way in which we look at things other than ourselves? The important and decisive factor in life is not what happens to us, but the attitude we take toward what happens to us and things around us.

I have always been happy about my attitude and the way i carry myself. I believe that iam a positive thinker and a die hard optimist. but all this optimism sometimes gets over board and makes me wonder whether all my thoughts r real or just a dream. It worries me.... worries me to no end.... i was actually shocked to find myself a constant worrier!!!!!

Worrying is in many ways good coz its a kind of a reality check. But its hard to strike a balance at the beginning. but when it becomes a habit, worry is the worst enemy. it tramples the attitude and self doubt starts to loom around everywhere. Worry affects the circulation and the whole nervous system. Its hard to find a man who dies from overwork than many who have died from doubt.

According to a research by psychologists, 40% of our worries will never happen and that 30% have already happened. An additional 12% of our worries r over unfounded health concerns and 10 % more involve the daily miscellaneous fretting that accomplishes absolutely NOTHING. Now if my addition is right, that leaves only 8%. In other words, most of the people worry 92% of their time for no good reason.

Its a fact that we have an average of 60,00 thoughts running in our head every day and 95% of the 60,000 thoughts r the same everyday. It was hard for me to imagine that so much of human energy was wasted on such inconsequential thoughts which has the effect of destroying us.

So maybe what we could do is to stop worrying about things that we cannot change. Ok now.... i can understand that its not simple. Heck its not simple AT ALL. but well.... i guess there is nothing wrong in giving it a try. Like we could avoid re-winding that conversation with that "person" whom we have a crush on and stop worrying about how we couldve made it actually better. or the stupid line that we used in front of some people which wouldve saved us from some embarrassment. All these things happen to EVERYONE around n ya.... all of us do make fools out of ourselves at one point or the other.

Maybe if it is the L word that we r worrying about.... what the heck... We r here to rule and F*** *f* to anyone who has a problem with that. We could use up all the energy that we spend on worrying about doubts in a productive way like "what am i gonna do about my life?" ive learnt that if i dont like the way in which my life is going, then there is no point in stewing it up n fretting all about it. i could rather sit n do some serious thinking about what could be done about that.

So people..... dont waste ur time worrying... worry less and act more, because worry, like the rocking chair, won't take u anywhere.

This is one of my favourite snaps...

its so beautiful... so alluring... so fresh.... so simple.... so innocent...

the beauty of this snap lies in its simplicity... the focus on something so inconsequential... so inconsequential but still so magnificent.... as if i had never come across a drop in my life... i was stunned to realise that such small things have been happening all around me from the time i was born but still i failed to see its beauty. this snap made me look at life with a microscope, searching for all the small things that made a difference... it was shocking to find a master piece everywhere i went... guess we'll always have a reason if we r ready to be happy... like the happiness of looking at my mother n falling into her arms now n then,
the tears that well up when helpless old ppl beg for alms,
the shy smile of my niece when she is complimented,
the small talks that i have with my father,
watching my brother have his mushy talks with his fiancee',
the meaningless excitment in looking at a rainbow,
the view from the balcony of my 5th floor apartment with a hot chocolate in hand,
the relief after praying from all my heart,
always trying to act calm after a compliment,
the celebration of the rain drops when they become a part of the puddle,
the rain that draws a transperent screen all over the city,
the light breeze that just gives a peck on the cheek on its way,
the sun that fights before it leaves everyday putting up a drama in colours,
lovers holding hands watching a beautiful sunset,
having a rapid conversation with no words,
the soft squishy smile of a baby, the simple joy in window shopping,
the sensuous dance of a flame on the lamp,
the spark when two eyes meet,
the trickle of sweat that just slides down ever so slow after a heavy work out,
the thrill before reading a new book,
the fulfillment after accomplishing something difficult,
sniffing the delicious aroma of food while entering home,
the smell of earth after a heavy spell of rain,
watching the stars on a clear night from the top of a mountain....

after looking at the small miracles that happens around me everyday, somehow the concept of macro n micro unified into one bcoz an atom is macro to a nucleaus, a cell is macro to an atom, a tissue is macro to a cell..........n it goes on......where the earth becomes macro to the humans.... but at the solar systam is macro to our earth n the galaxy is macro for this system n the universe is macro for the galaxy!!!! does it stop there??? or is there something beyond the universe??? is our universe just a cell?? i dont wanna go beyond this when i know no one knows the answer for now..... so lemme as well be happy by making myself macro n looking at things....

what the heck....

the best part of life is to be BUSY coz we have only 2 options left...

either be busy living or busy dieing!!

n both means the same.... it depends on us to decide what we opt for....

So all this melodrama was actually for putting forward the simple n normal but the truely exciting fact that i was busy the whole of the last month (WOW)... it just feels great to be back in form where some kind of an activity or the other goes on in my life.... n not much of wasting time.... YAHOOOOOOO!! :D

its so much fun to feel somewhere near to being useful again.... instead of just sitting in the office for the heck of it n then going back home n doing the nomal things... its fun to be occupied.... but still waiting for things to come up in the office where there will atleast be a chance to learn much more.... talking about learning.... its such an interesting thing where it is the first step in the vicious circle of 'change'..... learning leads to growth n growth is nice but the growing part.... i.e., the "ing" part is what gives the pain...

last month it was full on shows n recordings n marriages n meets n trips n to put it all in a nut shell... FULL OF LIFE.... somehow it felt like as if it was an exotic experience though its as normal as the day.... the last few months were the most depressing in the whole of my life coz there was a lack of zest... lack of activity.... lack of positive life energy!!!

at the moment am so happy but hope this lasts.... i wanna work hard n party hard for that kind of good work....

Missing people

Sometimes its so easy to fight... so easy to get hurt... n its simpler to hurt the other person in the process also... everything is highly simple during this process... everyone has their own reasons n everyone is justified. n no one realises that in a fight the fault is never 100% on just one person... the ration might vary but still no one is ever 100% right all the time.

fights r painful... fights hurt... sometimes its arguements n sometimes its just staying mum... but still the hurt remains... but the hurt is all about missing those people we were close to... for all the things that happened n y it happened at all..

But in all these years its hard not to notice that the minute we start getting close to people the relationship starts to hurt... arguements n fights r so inevitable n well.... sometimes any kind of a relationship gets too boring without a fight...being all mushy, nice n sweet to one another is after all not all that great!! there needs to be some spice...

but the spice obviously leads to the torture of missing those people sometimes... the best part of a fight is to just talk it out.... 99% it happens but the rest 1% sometimes misses out... Y no one knows... everyone has their own reasons....

Relationships..

I need a relationship in which I dont have to keep explaining myself. Nothing is more tiring in life than having to constantly explain urself. Infact, emotional tiredness drains u far more than physical tiredness. So, the search is for that one relationship in which i can enjoy the freedom of trust, where i dont have to explain everything about me.

I need a relationship in which I wont be held against myself. I have my strengths n i have my weaknesses. I have my shortcomings. The search is for that one relationship in which my lesser side will not be provoked n instigated constantly. I want someone who will always relate to my better side. I want that one relationship in which my positives will always be brought to the surface.

I need a relationship in which my today is not viewed with the mistakes i made yesterday. I need a relationship where my tomorrow's misery isnt already confirmed, for ive made a mistake today. As iam human... im bound to err occasionally... in fact, every now n then. I want someone who wont maintain a database of my mistakes. The search is for that relationship where yesterday's fight doesnt intrude into today's intimacy, where yesterday's arguement doesnt halt todays communication... where yesterday was over yesterday.

I need a relationship in which it isnt me who has to take the initiative all the time. I need a relationship where i can afford to be transperent. I need a relationship in which i dont have to alter my likes n dislikes in order to gain n retain the relationship. I need a relationship in which my self-image is not scratched. I need a relationship in which iam not asked to be anyone other than who iam... what iam. I need a relationship in which i feel completely myself... even more than when iam with my own self.

I need that one relationship in which i feel as though iam once again in my mother's womb... A relationship in which my heart always feels... just born.

If u already have one such relationship... plz go down on ur knees in gratitude, for there cannot be a greater gift from life. Such a relationship is life's greatest gift.

If u dont have one, despair not. Didnt he say from the mountain top- "Do unto others what u want others do unto u?" Can we be that one to someone else? Let's gift ourselves into someone's life. Let's love someone so completely that we make ourselves worthy of being someone's greatest gift.. :)

FIRE

SPACE IN RSHIP : Kahlil Gibran said, "...let there be spaces in ur togetherness... stand together yet not too near together, for the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree n the cypress grow not in each other's shadow." Fire epitomises this. When u respect the space of fire - u r close enough n yet not barging into its space, it provides the needed warmth. However, when u barge into its space, it burns u. In the name of love n affection, when a rship becomes claustrophobic... it begins to hurt the rship. Demand respect for ur space. Respect the space of the other. Let us dance together, still moving individually.

INTENSITY : Fire embodies intensity... there is nothing dull about fire... it is impossible to overlook the presence of fire. Intensity implies... no half-hearted measure. Intensity is the ability to give urself in total to whateve u do. To live life in totality is to live every moment of life intensely.

ENTHUSIASM : Enthusiasm comes from the greek words - enthos-theos, meaning spirit within. Nothing great has been achieved without enthusiasm... the measure of your achievement depends on the spirit of ur involvement... ur enthusiasm for what u pursue n the enthusiasm with which u pursue it. Aposter in a personnel manager's cabin read, "If u r not fired with enthusiasm, u will be fired with enthusiasm." Fire, in the way it dances as it burns, demonstrates the significance of living every moment with enthusiasm.

LOOK UP : Fire always burns upwards. Irrespective of the direction in which a fire is lit, the flames always go upwards. Motivational speakers scream, "If the outlook is not good, try the up look." I have experientially learnt - 'If u can look up, u can get up'.

TRANSFORMATION : Everything in its presence is transformed. Fire not only dispels darkness with light but also transforms the very nature of things that remain in its presence long enough. Anything that has to be petrified is placed in the presence of fire long enough. Shall we become such ppl that in our presence ppl feel purified n trasnformed?

Eat an apple a day, keep the doctor away!

n if the doctor is cute, keep the apple away!!?? :)

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they cant touch
My inner Mystery.
When i try to show them
They say they can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
Thats me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
The palm of my hand,
The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
Thats me.

---- Maya Angelou

friendship

the day is gonna get over in sometime n here iam sitting absent-mindedly, with a blissful mood, not a care for anything, sitting right in front of my PC n typing anything that is more appealing to my heart than my brain! at the moment i cannot describe whether am peaceful, romantic, dreamy,in a trance..........just anything!i could say that its one of those moments where u start enjoying just every moment for no reason...... there is a smile on my lips, a fire in my eyes, a joy in my feet, n i dont know y!!!!!

all of a sudden i feel poetic, where the words just pour out on their own.........but is it rhythemic? ofcourse not for am not a poetess! to be frank like always, or more so, the phenomenal feeling of womanhood is just bubbling inside!

what is the reason behind that secret smile? is it because a mild breeze is just fondly combing my hair or the stars that just gave me a wink? am sure it is the warmth that is gushing from inside me that makes everything so wonderful.......so wonderful that even my college professors, all of a sudden look like angels (so am definitely in a trance)!!

so what is it that makes me feel so wonerful????

its the thought of friendship that just made me feel this way! the moment i start thinking about all my friends, the happiness that we shared n the fun that we had together just starts surfacing on its own........its as if the moment is about to be replayed all over again! ive learnt so many things from friendship.....to talk, laugh, smile, fight, cry n most important of all LOVE! yes ive learnt the art of sharing love from all my friends!!!

a heart which is deprived of love can never be cured by giving them love! a heart deprived of love should have someone to love, to realise its value when it is reciprocated! there should be people around to accept that love n also return it back!

so guys........way to go n thanks for making my days just lovely!!! yo! :)