Friday, November 17, 2006

Musings of the mind!

Acknowledgement: I should thank Chandini for the post below for one of her 'fictions' has been my main source of inspiration...



It was impressively big for a single room apt. Though there was no light except for the last rays of the sun staging a drama in colours, the room gushed warmth... it gave a feeling that it was thoroughly lived in and the room by itself lived the life of its owner...

A huge mattress with a blue batik print bed spread, A small three racked wooden book shelf with books of all colours and shapes, from fiction to non fiction, arranged in order, though a few books spilled here and there for lack of space, A music system at one corner and a CD rack cramming with all kinds of CDs from Parween Sultana to Pink Floyd, A weird oval shaped full length mirror at the other side of the room, a writing desk with hand made papers n a beautiful collection of pens, a huge bean bag, loads n loads of photos pasted all over the pale mustered wall, the faint tingle of feng shuis strung on top of the huge French window and a mild breeze....

But there was further more...

It was the unmistakable silhouette of a girl, leaning on her back on the French window n looking into oblivion...Where everything about the room exuberated warmth n life, the lone figure looked lifeless...

The few papers on her laps ruffled ever so slightly with the cool breeze... approaching her, it was clear that they weren’t mere papers but letters with no-from, no-to, no-signature, no-stamp...

But yes.. They did look like letters...

They were letters...



14/2/2000

Do u remember the day both of us went for shopping after my final yr exams? I wanted to buy a few beads from that 'korathi kadai' near my college n u so didnt wanna come with me to some shop on the roads with so many women swooning over some silly beads n not u... n how much we argued about how 'swoonful' u were n how u impressed Ms. Gypsy n even made her gift u a string of beads...

Remember the time we stood near the pool to take a snap.. n how I fell over? U laughed n laughed as if there was no tomorrow n how I swore I would never forgive u for laughing so much. But I did that soon... I could never ever remain angry with u... could I?? I of course remember the laughter as well... n u always knew how much I adored hearing that...

N the diwali eve we spoke all night... an innocent call which was supposed to last for a few seconds with one of the first diwali wishes, lasted for hours... We spoke about things that were anything but inconsequential... About our favourite colours, our sun signs, how much both of us loved bournvita, What I thought about Cricket, what u thought about shopping, our love for music ... hmmmm... the significance of that conversation hit me only after u left..



27/5/2000

I don’t know... but ive never been able to have the kind of conversations id had with u with anyone else... I did have my share of best friends, close friends, friends n the likes… not that I didn’t care for them or I lacked interest… what I spoke with them was essential of course, but it was never the same… never complete! I had even tried telling myself that what we shared was normal... but somehow the meaning of the endless conversations n comfortable silence was lost when I lost u...

Surely, some would even argue that I never had u... but that’s a totally different issue altogether... Ive even tried a lot of times talking about u n what I felt for u to Shakthi, Sandeep, Maya, Rahul... But I found it hard to discuss about something that was too close n fresh to my heart that it was better kept inside me... The thought of even discussing about it seemed to insult what we had (or didn’t) between us...



03/7/2000

Thinking about it, what could I have ever told them? Not that it was ‘out-of-the-blue’ for friends to discuss such things… Not that they would’ve been anything but happy to have been there… but how would I have described ur fascination with watching super hero movies? or ur love for road side food? or those few months in which I got to know u? or those quiet moments in the beach? Or maybe how u always liked to exchange plates after an order was made?

Did u ever tell Aishwarya or Prakash about me? About us? Did u ever want to? Or even find the need to?

U would never answer me now… like u never did before…

Y was it too much for us to share what we felt for each other with the ppl closest to us? We always had a world of our own n guess we were just too selfish to let anyone into that little secret we shared.



19/8/2000

U r leaving…

I knew we would part ways some day… I knew u would have to leave eventually…

But now that its happening… I am feeling everything at once!

I wish, had we met in some other context, or at least a few yrs ago, things might’ve worked out… I cannot say we would’ve understood each other better with all the ‘if’s added for nothing could’ve been better than what we already had…



15/11/2000

But now… somehow it feels alright to talk about u to them… its quite strange… if we thought they might not understand what we had before, how would they understand now?? Or maybe is it something we ourselves didn’t understand that we put the blame on them?

But whatever it is, I feel I should tell them now… but tell them what?

I have always thought about what to refer u as if I ever spoke about u to someone… ‘ Friend? Acquaintance? Stranger? Colleague? Common Friend? Soul Mate? Lover??’

What would u say?



31/11/2000

The reason y I felt I had to confide into Sandeep was but obvious… he was my closest pal of the lot… we literally grew up together from our kindergarten days… I had to rehearse at least a thousand times about how he would react… What I expected was hyper activity as always… anger, excitement, concern…

But the reaction that I received was a serene smile… a smile which had a trillion meanings… a smile which just said ‘I obviously knew’… a smile which had concern… it made me wish y I hadn’t even told him if not the others…

The rapid fire round after that was anything but funny…

Did u guys go for dancing?

Did u go for movies together??

Did u get drenched in the rain???

No. No. No.

NO???

Now it was sandeep’s turn to get surprised…

What do u mean u guys liked each other??

How could u get to like someone without even spending quality time with that person???

Hmmm… I just looked at him… What else could I do? What could I say?

Monday, November 06, 2006

Tagomania... or is it phobia now??

k... It took me ages to actually start with this tag... n last time, right before i could finish it, something conked up n the window got shut :(... y does these things happen only to me?? waaaaaaaaaa...

Disclaimer: Btw.. plz dont expect anykind of wit or humour from this post... this is all about my state of mind at the moment... the answers r subject to change!


Iam thinking about...
Eeeerrrmmm... Eeerrr... How to finish this post... AGAIN!! :((

I said...
to myself that i would give an awesome performance in my last concert... n yipppeee!!! I did..

I want to...
fall in love!

I wish…
i was in the monkey land... (Thats a song i keep humming u duh!) though i know iam already there...

I hear…
Traffic... Cars n bikes n buses n vans n bicycles n rikshaws n lorries n just everything on the road, riding for the soul purpose of honking...

I wonder..
y ppl keep using Sun as a metaphor for being the most duty conscious, saying it rises up n sets down everyday regardless of what happens around... where originally, its the Earth which does all the work revolving...

I regret...
No regrets... Never!!! Everything has been an experience to cherish..

I am…
everything... The good, the bad n the ugly!

I dance…
to no one's tunes... I decide what i do... But yes, ppl at home just drive me around... :)

I sing…
songs... (Ahhh... now, that was simple!)

I cry…
whenever i want to... no inhibitions... preferably no witnesses..

I am not always…
what u might think iam... If i know uve come to a conclusion about what iam or how i might react, ill go out of my way to make sure i prove u wrong though what u thought might be right...

I make with my hands…
My life

I write…
handwritten letters!!!.. But thats only for the ppl closest to me n only once!

I confuse…
mostly reactions... mine n others'...

I need…
a good chunky piece of piping hot, chocolate brownie with vanilla ice cream, chocolate sauce, choco chips n cashew nuts sprinkled all over it NOW!!! i dont mind a 'toblerone' shake from mocha as well...

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Lost and found - 'Myself'

If u r happy right now, its not bcoz everything about ur life is necesserily going right, but bcoz a rship that really matters to u the most is going great... If u r unhappy in life right now, its not bcoz everything about ur life is going wrong, but bcoz a rship that really matters to u the most is not going great...

Rhsips r like seeds... they have to be nurtured n developed... expectations r like weeds... they grow on their own accord... when enough investment goes into building a rship, the expectations in that rship can be managed... when a rship is left un-nurtured, then the expectations in that rship shake the very roots of the rship... our problem is growing expectations in stagnent rships...

let us use the metaphor of a savings bank account... deposits build the reserves in an account from which we can withdraw... but we can withdraw only to the extent we have built up the reserves... similarly, withdrawals in a rship r possible only to the extent we have made deposits in that rship...

In a rship where there is substantial emotional reserve, mistakes will be tolerated n forgiven, the meaning will be understood even when communication is inadequate, n ur intentions will be appreciated even if u fall a little short of ur actions... in all, the rship will be good bcoz u r considered good... n u r considered good bcoz of the deposits u have made to build emotional reserves in that rship...

Any rship that we get into with someone is a funny journey... we begin the journey by trying to know about that person, and half way through it, all we have to do is try to forget what we learnt... its a journey which reminds me of a pheonix... its born and its reborn again n again... during the course of our lives, there might be times we might have to severe a few rships... but it never completely dies... it just remains dormant quietly watching everything that happens...

Thinking about all this was a journey of self discovery for me... a self discovery that was so profiund that i feel am a better human now... n i can feel that i have crossed the cocoon phase once again... though the words below might be a reposting of one of my previous posts... its significance now just startled me...

I need a relationship in which I dont have to keep explaining myself. Nothing is more tiring in life than having to constantly explain urself. Infact, emotional tiredness drains u far more than physical tiredness. So, the search is for that one relationship in which i can enjoy the freedom of trust, where i dont have to explain everything about me.

I need a relationship in which I wont be held against myself. I have my strengths n i have my weaknesses. I have my shortcomings. The search is for that one relationship in which my lesser side will not be provoked n instigated constantly. I want someone who will always relate to my better side. I want that one relationship in which my positives will always be brought to the surface.

I need a relationship in which my today is not viewed with the mistakes i made yesterday. I need a relationship where my tomorrow's misery isnt already confirmed, for ive made a mistake today. As iam human... im bound to err occasionally... in fact, every now n then. I want someone who wont maintain a database of my mistakes. The search is for that relationship where yesterday's fight doesnt intrude into today's intimacy, where yesterday's arguement doesnt halt todays communication... where yesterday was over yesterday.

I need a relationship in which it isnt me who has to take the initiative all the time. I need a relationship where i can afford to be transperent. I need a relationship in which i dont have to alter my likes n dislikes in order to gain n retain the relationship. I need a relationship in which my self-image is not scratched. I need a relationship in which iam not asked to be anyone other than who iam... what iam. I need a relationship in which i feel completely myself... even more than when iam with my own self.

I need that one relationship in which i feel as though iam once again in my mother's womb... A relationship in which my heart always feels... just born.If u already have one such relationship... plz go down on ur knees in gratitude, for there cannot be a greater gift from life. Such a relationship is life's greatest gift.If u dont have one, despair not. Didnt he say from the mountain top- "Do unto others what u want others do unto u?" Can we be that one to someone else? Let's gift ourselves into someone's life. Let's love someone so completely that we make ourselves worthy of being someone's greatest gift.. :)