Musings of the mind!

Acknowledgement: I should thank Chandini for the post below for one of her 'fictions' has been my main source of inspiration...



It was impressively big for a single room apt. Though there was no light except for the last rays of the sun staging a drama in colours, the room gushed warmth... it gave a feeling that it was thoroughly lived in and the room by itself lived the life of its owner...

A huge mattress with a blue batik print bed spread, A small three racked wooden book shelf with books of all colours and shapes, from fiction to non fiction, arranged in order, though a few books spilled here and there for lack of space, A music system at one corner and a CD rack cramming with all kinds of CDs from Parween Sultana to Pink Floyd, A weird oval shaped full length mirror at the other side of the room, a writing desk with hand made papers n a beautiful collection of pens, a huge bean bag, loads n loads of photos pasted all over the pale mustered wall, the faint tingle of feng shuis strung on top of the huge French window and a mild breeze....

But there was further more...

It was the unmistakable silhouette of a girl, leaning on her back on the French window n looking into oblivion...Where everything about the room exuberated warmth n life, the lone figure looked lifeless...

The few papers on her laps ruffled ever so slightly with the cool breeze... approaching her, it was clear that they weren’t mere papers but letters with no-from, no-to, no-signature, no-stamp...

But yes.. They did look like letters...

They were letters...



14/2/2000

Do u remember the day both of us went for shopping after my final yr exams? I wanted to buy a few beads from that 'korathi kadai' near my college n u so didnt wanna come with me to some shop on the roads with so many women swooning over some silly beads n not u... n how much we argued about how 'swoonful' u were n how u impressed Ms. Gypsy n even made her gift u a string of beads...

Remember the time we stood near the pool to take a snap.. n how I fell over? U laughed n laughed as if there was no tomorrow n how I swore I would never forgive u for laughing so much. But I did that soon... I could never ever remain angry with u... could I?? I of course remember the laughter as well... n u always knew how much I adored hearing that...

N the diwali eve we spoke all night... an innocent call which was supposed to last for a few seconds with one of the first diwali wishes, lasted for hours... We spoke about things that were anything but inconsequential... About our favourite colours, our sun signs, how much both of us loved bournvita, What I thought about Cricket, what u thought about shopping, our love for music ... hmmmm... the significance of that conversation hit me only after u left..



27/5/2000

I don’t know... but ive never been able to have the kind of conversations id had with u with anyone else... I did have my share of best friends, close friends, friends n the likes… not that I didn’t care for them or I lacked interest… what I spoke with them was essential of course, but it was never the same… never complete! I had even tried telling myself that what we shared was normal... but somehow the meaning of the endless conversations n comfortable silence was lost when I lost u...

Surely, some would even argue that I never had u... but that’s a totally different issue altogether... Ive even tried a lot of times talking about u n what I felt for u to Shakthi, Sandeep, Maya, Rahul... But I found it hard to discuss about something that was too close n fresh to my heart that it was better kept inside me... The thought of even discussing about it seemed to insult what we had (or didn’t) between us...



03/7/2000

Thinking about it, what could I have ever told them? Not that it was ‘out-of-the-blue’ for friends to discuss such things… Not that they would’ve been anything but happy to have been there… but how would I have described ur fascination with watching super hero movies? or ur love for road side food? or those few months in which I got to know u? or those quiet moments in the beach? Or maybe how u always liked to exchange plates after an order was made?

Did u ever tell Aishwarya or Prakash about me? About us? Did u ever want to? Or even find the need to?

U would never answer me now… like u never did before…

Y was it too much for us to share what we felt for each other with the ppl closest to us? We always had a world of our own n guess we were just too selfish to let anyone into that little secret we shared.



19/8/2000

U r leaving…

I knew we would part ways some day… I knew u would have to leave eventually…

But now that its happening… I am feeling everything at once!

I wish, had we met in some other context, or at least a few yrs ago, things might’ve worked out… I cannot say we would’ve understood each other better with all the ‘if’s added for nothing could’ve been better than what we already had…



15/11/2000

But now… somehow it feels alright to talk about u to them… its quite strange… if we thought they might not understand what we had before, how would they understand now?? Or maybe is it something we ourselves didn’t understand that we put the blame on them?

But whatever it is, I feel I should tell them now… but tell them what?

I have always thought about what to refer u as if I ever spoke about u to someone… ‘ Friend? Acquaintance? Stranger? Colleague? Common Friend? Soul Mate? Lover??’

What would u say?



31/11/2000

The reason y I felt I had to confide into Sandeep was but obvious… he was my closest pal of the lot… we literally grew up together from our kindergarten days… I had to rehearse at least a thousand times about how he would react… What I expected was hyper activity as always… anger, excitement, concern…

But the reaction that I received was a serene smile… a smile which had a trillion meanings… a smile which just said ‘I obviously knew’… a smile which had concern… it made me wish y I hadn’t even told him if not the others…

The rapid fire round after that was anything but funny…

Did u guys go for dancing?

Did u go for movies together??

Did u get drenched in the rain???

No. No. No.

NO???

Now it was sandeep’s turn to get surprised…

What do u mean u guys liked each other??

How could u get to like someone without even spending quality time with that person???

Hmmm… I just looked at him… What else could I do? What could I say?