Monday, March 30, 2009

Who will cry when i die?

"When you were born, u cried while the world rejoiced. Live ur life in such a way that when u die, the world cries while u rejoice"

Last night was one of those nights i slept deeeeeeep... I remember coming across that person in bessi beach... i remember feeling lost n being angry initially n later giving a bear hug n patching up things between us... I remember that was the point in ma dream, when i drifted off to sleep... Whenever am a bit disturbed, my subconscious always tricks my logic mind into making things look rosy n making me sleep... later during the night ill have loads of reflective dreams that i wld end up pondering about the next day morning...

But last night, i absolutely didnt remember anything after that initial trick... I dont even remember sleeping... it was as if i dreamt but decided not to sleep anymore n woke up immediately... I opened just one eye slowly to search for my mobile to check the time... it was around 1 noon... quite late for my standards but not too bad! N I heard lots of voices...

I knew it was quite late for all that noise to be heard outside... Arch n pre shldve already left for office n appa for his shoot... it shld b only amma n alinth n kala... but looked like a whole lot of people had decided to visit our place that particular morning... n i didnt remember amma mentioning any get together in the morning n even if it was so, she shldve definitely woken me up... I did get worried when I heard the urgency in the voices as i got nearer to the door...

I stood in the doorway for a while n was shocked to see quite a number of people... looked like my house was filled with a whole lot of worried people around... n i did expect some kind of an acknowledgement from paachaa uncle who was near my room.. a 'good morning' or an urgent update about all that was happening... but he bloody didnt even madhichufy me... a bit hurt n angry i walked down the hall quite groggy, combing my unruly hair with my fingers as much as possible to look a bit dignified n not a joker... I entered the hall n AGAIN no one bothered...

i definitely had to find amma n hear wats happening so urgent that no one even bothered to look at me...

I finally found her in the master bedroom n GOSH! she was crying... crying quite hard... i really got worried then... i ran near her n tried hugging her but to my surprise i cldnt feel anything n looked like neither did she... *thats more worrying indeed*... i tried again n bloody there was no action or reaction from both our sides there... murphy's law did make sense! if somethings bad, it cld n wld definitely get worse!!!!!

I walked out of the room, bugged than ever n noticed something finally that shook me... someone who was an exact replica of me was lying there near the balcony... covered with a white cloth!!!! My frantic brain did some quick math n boiled down the situation to 2 options... someone either decided to clone me n also killed her in the process which these poor ppl thought was me... which was unlikely... cloning is illegal n am not THAT famous yet!!!...

Or i was dead.


a loud *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep* in my ears!




SHUCKSSSSSSSS!!!! wat the hell did happen last night!? i havent even gone for that katemeron ride ive been dyin to go for n bloody looks like i already am DEAD!!!! i also wanted to tell amma sorry for screamin at her yesterday... i wanted aalinth to smile at me atleast once dammit... i wanted to do soooooo many things! looks like even an extra day wont b enough n ive always thought ill b kinda prepared before i died... like a notice period... looks like finally somethin did manage to surprise me instead of me forever guessing all my surprises...

The whole ceremony part flew away in a rush n it was funny to watch all that happening to me... after the cremation all of us came home, though my ppl dint realize ive been there all along... the atmosphere after reaching home wasnt too gr8 either... I did feel a bit guilty n damn sad that ppl who were so close to me were sad... i wasnt sure whether i wanted them to cry... but laugh?? or just b normal afterall?! i was a bit confused...

Suddenly I heard a familiar voice saying something loud... i turned around to find one of my favorite uncles calling my family, close friends, ppl who gave me work n ppl who worked under me who were assembled there to say a few words about who i was as a person n how ive affected their lives... something reflective!

I was waiting eagerly to listen to all of em... since it was gonna be the final speech, i did expect quite a lot of things to b said... but wait!!!!! was i even deserving to come up to my own expectations when i walked on planet earth? everything that i want these ppl to say... have i ever lived upto to my own expectations right now to make them say all that in their final personal testimony to me!?... this was gonna b the result of the so called examination ive written in my life from day 1...

i was waiting...

blank!!!!

It was dark... i was lying on my bed... i was wide awake n it took me a minute to realize that it was all just a dream...

I actually felt quite cheated... how would it b if there is a power shut down right before u reach the climax scene of an awesome grippin movie!?

While i was re running this dream in my head, i did realize something... it was kinda eerily similar to that Christmas story where this miser guy will b visited by the spirits of present, past n the future in his dream n how that changes his life forever!

Mine was kinda similar (though am no miser n Christmas is a long way to go!)
I know i would have to die someday n there is no escape wat so ever... i know i would definitely reach that point in my life... or do we say 'after' life!?... when ill get to know wat kind of a person ive been... though am not sure whether id b comprehending the situation like how i did in my dream, i know i would definitely be around somewhere that time...

I just wanna start working towards wat i would want all of them to talk that day... my family i had made my life with... my friends i had shared my life with... wat i was like to the person i worked for... wat i was to that person who worked for me... wat all i would expect them to say n share... was i kind? was i fair? was i fun to b around? was i efficient? was i dependable? have i ever been there when they really wanted me to b? even if i was, did i make a difference? how did i touch their lives?! or did i???

All those questions were like kinda building a future that i dont have a hold on right now, but workable indeed with my present...

Frankly, it doesnt even thrill me when i think who'll 'cry' when i die! i just wanna ensure 'wat' made those ppl cry... did i manage to leave a legacy behind for all that oxygen i inhaled, for all that space i occupied n more importantly... for all that time i spent here with ppl n profession...
just my presence that could b felt even after my death...

I dont want ppl cryin when i die, a knowing smile when my thought crosses would speak volumes!

Monday, March 23, 2009

Kaiyai chudum yendraalum
theeyai thodum pillai pol
unaiiye meendum ninaikkiren